make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
