She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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