"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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