I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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