cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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