The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
