Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
