Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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