she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
