i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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