In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
