just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
