Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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