It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
