I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
