I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
