so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
