We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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