Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Randomize
