I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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