Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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