I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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