I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
