I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
