My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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