I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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