so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
