If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
