She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
