my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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