I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
