Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
