I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
