Fuck appropriateness.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
