You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
