Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
