The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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