After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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