Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
