he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
