I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
