She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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