you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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