i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
