I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well I just put wine in my tea
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sext me about skeletons
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
