apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
