Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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