I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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