Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
