I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
