i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
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