My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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