And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
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I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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