last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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